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I'm sorry I always wanted more.
And I'm sorry I pushed you.
I never meant to. To be so stubborn.
I guess I'm just so used to always getting my way.
To people eventually budging.
But you stood your ground.
You weren't going to change for anyone, not even me.
I respect that, I admire that.
Hindsight is 20/20...and boy was I an idiot.
And definitely not a subtle one.
I really can't believe you didnt run earlier. I sure would have.
There's so much I would do differently if I had the chance.
I would be myself. The "me" you rarely saw.
Crazy, weird, aggressive, spontaneous, adventurous me.
I learned to hide that because it has always been rejected.
And then I finally find someone who would fully accept it,
and I put on a facade the whole time. Because I was scared.
JUST MY LUCK.
I could show you that "me" now...kicking and screaming.
I could throw that true "me" at you all I want, but it'd be no use.
You don't want it anymore.
The timing was never right.
There were so many signs that told me to turn back.
Wait, just hold out for a little while. But I didn't listen.
I loved the rush too much.
So I kept pushing more and more. Way more than necessary.
It became the downfall of everything.
There's still a hole.
You've really changed my views forever, I think.
I refuse to settle now.
But I'm so lonely.
I feel like a part of me is dead.
Like I lost a best friend.
We used to talk all day, every day.
Back when I was still a "goal" for you.
When I was still good enough.
I could tell you ANYTHING without worry.
And now I'm left bored, and longing for that feeling again.
I don't know if I'll ever find it.
But I hope I can at least forget what it was like.
So I can move on.
Someday.
2010 was not an easy year. And 2011 hasn't started out too hot either. But I am confident it can only go up from here. Recently it sort of already has. I haven't written a blog in almost a year. Ironic, since everything that has happened is enough to probably enough to write a novel...or two. And I learned enough lessons to fill a text book.
The biggest lesson I probably learned is that...I need to stop doing things to please everyone else, and making my decisions based on other people. Sounds sort of selfish, but this is what I've subconsciously been doing for quite a while...and it has made me miserable. I'm not happy. I'm lost. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and for a long time I didn't know what step to take next. So I just stayed here in limbo, going nowhere. But not anymore. It ends now. I have a lot to look forward to this year, but only if I make the effort and take the steps necesarry to get to these destinations. I'm done procrastinating. There will be no more "trying"... only "doing" now. I can feel the changes happening already, and it feels amazing.
There will be times when things go wrong. And the Melissa last year would've let them get her down. She would've sulked and felt sorry for herself because "things like this always happen to her." and "Yeah, story of my life." But I locked that chick up in the closet and I'm not letting her out. I'm taking responsiblity for my successes and failures now. And I will continue to learn from them all. And all the people that are a part of them along the way.
Although I had a rough year, I wouldn't have made it through without a key handful of people. I honestly have some of the most amazing friends in the world. I don't deserve them. No matter if I have known them since kindergarten, since high school, college....or they were catapulted into my life just this past year. No matter how long each has been around, they all equally helped me learn and find things out about myself in incredible ways. You stuck by me through terrible decisions, clouded judgement, laughter, tears, crisis, celebration...everything. And most importantly, you were honest with me...whether I wanted to hear it or not. You know who you are. They don't get much realer than you. And I will always be here no matter what. You are my best friends... and I love you. More than I can even explain in words. Thass just how I roll.
Now I'm depending on all of you to remind me I wrote this when I start messing up and slacking off.
It's a new year, and I'm gonna end this shit on top.
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