A Pessimist Is Really An Optimist With Experience.

I'm sorry I always wanted more.
And I'm sorry I pushed you.
I never meant to. To be so stubborn.
I guess I'm just so used to always getting my way.
To people eventually budging.
But you stood your ground.
You weren't going to change for anyone, not even me.
I respect that, I admire that.
Hindsight is 20/20...and boy was I an idiot.
And definitely not a subtle one.
I really can't believe you didnt run earlier. I sure would have.
There's so much I would do differently if I had the chance.
I would be myself. The "me" you rarely saw.
Crazy, weird, aggressive, spontaneous, adventurous me.
I learned to hide that because it has always been rejected.
And then I finally find someone who would fully accept it,
and I put on a facade the whole time. Because I was scared.
JUST MY LUCK.
I could show you that "me" now...kicking and screaming.
I could throw that true "me" at you all I want, but it'd be no use.
You don't want it anymore.
The timing was never right.
There were so many signs that told me to turn back.
Wait, just hold out for a little while. But I didn't listen.
I loved the rush too much.
So I kept pushing more and more. Way more than necessary.
It became the downfall of everything.
There's still a hole.
You've really changed my views forever, I think.
I refuse to settle now.
But I'm so lonely.
I feel like a part of me is dead.
Like I lost a best friend.
We used to talk all day, every day.
Back when I was still a "goal" for you.
When I was still good enough.
I could tell you ANYTHING without worry.
And now I'm left bored, and longing for that feeling again.
I don't know if I'll ever find it.
But I hope I can at least forget what it was like.
So I can move on.
Someday.

When Life Hands You A Jeffery, You Stroke The Furry Wall.

2010 was not an easy year. And 2011 hasn't started out too hot either. But I am confident it can only go up from here. Recently it sort of already has. I haven't written a blog in almost a year. Ironic, since everything that has happened is enough to probably enough to write a novel...or two. And I learned enough lessons to fill a text book.


The biggest lesson I probably learned is that...I need to stop doing things to please everyone else, and making my decisions based on other people. Sounds sort of selfish, but this is what I've subconsciously been doing for quite a while...and it has made me miserable. I'm not happy. I'm lost. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and for a long time I didn't know what step to take next. So I just stayed here in limbo, going nowhere. But not anymore. It ends now. I have a lot to look forward to this year, but only if I make the effort and take the steps necesarry to get to these destinations. I'm done procrastinating. There will be no more "trying"... only "doing" now. I can feel the changes happening already, and it feels amazing.


There will be times when things go wrong. And the Melissa last year would've let them get her down. She would've sulked and felt sorry for herself because "things like this always happen to her." and "Yeah, story of my life." But I locked that chick up in the closet and I'm not letting her out. I'm taking responsiblity for my successes and failures now. And I will continue to learn from them all. And all the people that are a part of them along the way.


Although I had a rough year, I wouldn't have made it through without a key handful of people. I honestly have some of the most amazing friends in the world. I don't deserve them. No matter if I have known them since kindergarten, since high school, college....or they were catapulted into my life just this past year. No matter how long each has been around, they all equally helped me learn and find things out about myself in incredible ways. You stuck by me through terrible decisions, clouded judgement, laughter, tears, crisis, celebration...everything. And most importantly, you were honest with me...whether I wanted to hear it or not. You know who you are. They don't get much realer than you. And I will always be here no matter what. You are my best friends... and I love you. More than I can even explain in words. Thass just how I roll.

Now I'm depending on all of you to remind me I wrote this when I start messing up and slacking off.


It's a new year, and I'm gonna end this shit on top.

FueledBy...Life.

These are my Top 10 favorite recent pics from a little site called "Fueled by Photos." I'm addicted, and I don't really mind, cause it's that awesome. fueledbyphotos.tumblr.com!

You're what I never knew I always wanted.

Sometimes you become close to people you never thought you would give a second glance to. I find these are usually the best kinds of situations.

That awkward, quiet kid in the corner of the classroom that the teacher pairs you up with at the end of the semester…and you realize how freakin cool they actually are. Or you go to a party, and end up having a 3 hour conversation with the one person you didn’t expect to relate to AT ALL.

Keep your eyes, your heart, and your mind open, and you can expect great things to happen.

[ I have to tell myself this a lot, especially with guys. I, by nature, do not trust the male species. I've never had a bad relationship, I've never been screwed over or hurt beyond repair. For some reason, it's just a trait I was born with. I hesitate, I over-analyze, and I go VERY slow. If someone seems interested in me, I automatically think "Well, there has to be something wrong with THEM then, if they like ME." It's terrible and unfortunate, but I'm slowly overcoming it.]

I’m not saying things will never end in some kind of heartbreak. We’ve all had our fair share of that. Friendships and other relationships die sometimes. We can’t stop it, it’s sort of a natural thing.

Never regret knowing someone you once cared about. There was a reason, and just because that season of reason is over doesn’t mean it was for nothing. Chances are, that person changed you forever in some way. Big or small.

But if you keep in mind that the people that are still in your life are the ones worth holding on to, everything will be ok.

Can miles truly separate you from friends…. If you want to be with someone you love, aren’t you already there?

A Mountain Is A Hill With Attitude.

It's 2010.


I am determined to make this year better than the last. And considering how last year went, it shouldn't be that hard.
I'm shaping up, shaping down, collecting my thoughts, collecting my things and getting out of this ditch I've been sleeping in.
I turn 21 this year, and that freaks me out.
This is coming from a person who cried on their 20th birthday because they weren't a teenager anymore, and therefore figured they must start being more mature and responsible. I wiln't!

School starts up again in about a week.
I haven't even gotten my books yet.
I realized that I think I should be an editor.
Like a novel or magazine editor.
Because I love correcting things I know I'm good at and others may lack the ability to do.
Like my weird talent for grammar and sentence structure.
If you didn't already notice.
Pfff.
Oh well, I don't know. I don't know what I want.
A year ago I was going to be a Nurse. HAHA!
Do you really want me checking your vitals?
Didn't think so.


I like Mat Kearney.
Platypus.
What's the plural for platypus?
Is it platypi?
It is now.

Interweb Gem of the Day.

I love this, because I've witnessed at least half of these first-hand.

"Someone buying beer and diapers." I actually accompanied someone at Wal-Mart while they purchased alcohol...and diapers. Never viewed it as comedic, but it's pretty funny now.

"Obese person using a scooter." These are my favorite. But in my town, they're not just at Wal-Mart. They ride dirty all around the streets of town...right to the traffic stop. Much like a 21st century Frosty the snowman.

Where do key rings come from? I doubt anyone even buys them. I doubt factories even make them. They just exist...

Will I be pretty, will I be smart? Here's what she said to me...

"Your arms are the size of an anorexic's thighs."
Thanks, mom.


So I walk out my front door today [and mind you, it has been in at least the 50's the past month] and the snowy wind hits me like a leaf blower stationed atop an iceberg. For a second, it feels like I'm back in REXburg, if I close my eyes and forget the vast amout of foliage Chicago has compared to Idaho. And then I start to slip and slide on the icy porch and 2 flights of stairs I must travel on to get from house to car. This is mostly my fault, as I underestimated the weather and threw on sneakers before I hit the door. Nonetheless, I was still aggrivated. I HATE ice. As a result of this inner fury, I start to think about other things that push my buttons...

Like how I need new windshield wipers, because my current pair skip over a nice patch of glass conveniently in my direct line of sight, yet wipe the passenger side perfectly clear. So I have to crane my head to the right like a flamingo to see the road ahead.

Ppl who txt in lingo: I don't always realize you were trying to say the word "what" when you included a mere "w" in your broken, unpunctuated sentence. Example (literal transcription): "w u doin 2maro" Let's see...oh yeah, I'll still be trying to interpret your message. That's w im doin 2maro.

How the radio plays the same 5 songs over and over....and over: I'm tired of Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and that guy who stole a sample from an Imogen Heap song. Let's move on, people...

Selfish, deliberately mean -but think they're sneaky about it -and then deny it when you confront them- individuals. You're an idiot. With no soul. If you do have a soul, it belongs to satan.

Other little things I don't like:
When I send a long and deep or hilarious text and all I get back is a "yeah" or just one little "lol"
How you can only be sarcastic successfully in person.
People that hover while I'm on the computer or phone. You don't need to know what I'm texting to someone you've never met.
When people try talking to me while they can clearly see I have my earbuds in.
Bees.
When someone furiously passes me in their car, because 5 miles over the speed limit apparently isn't fast enough for them, and then looks back at me like I'm the retarded one.

On a brighter note, here are some things that I DO like:
Falling asleep to a thunderstorm or train.
Singing in my car. Usually to Paramore.
Rolling down hills.
The "pumped" feeling acquired after you walk out of an awesome movie at the theatre.
Random information. Usually about science related things.
Expanding my vocabulary.
The color purple. Not the Oprah musical, just purple.
How weird the word "purple" is when you really think about it.
Owl City.
Having glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling.
Inside jokes and quotes.
Someone I will not name.
And lots of other awesome things.


Till next time, kids.